I'm a nine!!

Test that i took from dar:


the PeacemakerTest finished!

you chose BX - your Enneagram type is NINE.
"I am at peace"
Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.
How to Get Along with Me
If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure.
I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this.
Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally.
Ask me questions to help me get clear.
Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery.
Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
Let me know you like what I've done or said.
Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.
What I Like About Being a Nine
being nonjudgmental and accepting
caring for and being concerned about others
being able to relax and have a good time
knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe
What's Hard About Being a Nine
being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
being confused about what I really want
caring too much about what others will think of me
not being listened to or taken seriously
Nines as Children Often
feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant
tune out a lot, especially when others argue
are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves
Nines as Parents
are supportive, kind, and warm
are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

should i be a hawker??

i think ever since i have gotten into army, i have become... more stupid... . think its because of the environment... i need to be in an environment that constantly stimulates my braincells, to keep me thinking and to let me constantly express myself.. Being in the army, and working now (maybe its just my working environment.. or its just me) doesn't really fulfill my needs to be expressive... and creative... at least previously, i will still have a plan.. wel.. not really a plan to do stuff... but at the very least, i will try to think of a way around problems... trying to find solutions... but now... i do think that i have trouble...just trying to think... even if problems pop up at work... i generally can't really be bothered....

there are times... where i'vej ust wish that i could just resign from work.. and enroll myself... it could be anywhere... laselle.... Nafa... poly again( though i will be a super old student)... MDIS....anywhere, just so that i can interact with people on a more constant basis... and able to hold meaningful discussions with them... haiz... right now... i don't really like to talk to people that i hardly know... cause one thing is that i on't know what to talk to them about... and another thing is that i generally can't really be bothered with them... at least back then in school, i will still try to interact abit with people from different classes... sometimes... i feel inferior & dumb when she can just talk & talk & talk & talk about everything under the sun... and i will be just like" oh..is it?? haha.. ok loh... " the usual expressions... without even following thru or giving her a solution or providing her with an answer so that she can reply to... and i feel bad too.. that my choice of words are so limited... that i can't really stimulate the intellactual side of her...

maybe i should juz quit, get a license and be a hawker selling wanton mee andhor-fun.... at least hawkers interact with all types of people everyday... and no, dun ask me why i thought of selling wanton mee and hor-fun.. i've just thought of that on the spot =P

so anyway... think i have blabbered enuff today... think i should read the newspaper more often... maybe that's why i am becoming so much less articulate these few years...

goodbye

Goodbye Hazel girl.... all of us will love and miss you always...

bless your parents.. and your future siblings..

goodbye...

ipod

got an ipod for my birthday!!! oh man... totally din expected it... haha... what can i say...

i'm a lucky guy!!

thank you

thank you...

for holding me...

for hugging me...

for the comfort...

for the present...

for the drink...

for everything so far...

thank you =)

15 more min

oh look... its 15 more min... to my birthday.... and frankly speaking... i am not looking forward to it at all..

for her... i must...

" we'll all here for you.. just cry all you want.... just cry... if it makes you feel better... we'll here...here for you...ok?..."

these were all i could muster out....while trying to comfort her....

whose tears were dropping... and dropping...

her eyes....so swollen....

her lips....peeling....

her face....devasted...utterly devasted....



it really breaks my heart to see her like that...


i still remember the time, when she went to visit me with my dad....

and they knew that i smoked... and i broke down that time... cause i really missed them...and she comforted me....


and now.... i've tried... and tried.... but...to no avail....

i feel..so useless....

i am really indeed....the most useless one......

but enough of this..

i will be there for her....especially now.... i will protect her...

..in my arms..

....carried her in my arms..... the first, last and only thing i could do for her....as an uncle....that was...the only thing i could do.....

An ode to Hazel

we'll never know what you look like
we'll never know your face
you'll never see the world
you'll never be here

but the joy you had brought
the smile you had put on our faces
we'll all remember
all in our hearts

Goodbye Hazel girl,
goodbye our baby,
we'll never foget you
you,
who's in another world....

6th March'06

its so god dammunfair.... how can this happen.... of all people.... it's just not right......

received a phonecall from my mum....was stunned when i heard that....tears....juz came to me.... and i had to strugle...to keep my composure...and left the office...tried to tell her abt it...but juz couldn't find the words without my eyes turning red.... even while juz typing the sms...my tears juz dropped....

reached the hospital....saw fred... could tell he was too shell shocked.... while sitting there, waiting to see wy.... i juz cried....silently letting the drops fall......and when he saw his mum...he juz broke.... and i broke too......

when i went into the room.... when i saw her.... i just borke even further.... i juz couldn't control myself..... i have never seen her like this....in my whole life... lying there...with that shattered look, and those reds eyes...and that face....oh my god.... i juz couldn't handle it.....

i felt useless.....that i can't do anything....for her.... all i could do was....to hold her hands....and wiped her teras....her neverending flow of tears....

went back with freed to collect her stuff.... when he reached the house....he broke again..... when he saw the room....it...was.....

...juz hearing his voice wants to make me cry....

juz thinking abt it....

the doc did a scan...seein litle hazel... the image.... unbearable...

i can't blog anymore about this...




why must this happen to her of all pople....why????

rojak

these 2 days have been a fucking rojak of tireness, disappointments, sadness, tears, laughters, joy, closeness.

less then a min, and some initiatives...

i feel confused... have i really changed after getting together with her?
why have most of them say that?
changed... in what ways?
my actions have been disppointing??
i should be more sensitive???
perhaps.... i have let them down....
maybe they needed me to listen, to be there for them... and i have not been able to do so...
..to fulfil this basic requirement of a friend...

haizz..
it's.... really quite sickening to hear:
" ed, you have changed after getting a gf"
"ed, i never see you much after blah blah blah"
"blah blah blah, blah blah blah"
it's all the same fucking stuff..

it's all damm fucking sickening....

i have never ever been one to ask people out...
...or call people out....
...or give phone calls to people....
maybe i shld start doing so....
...as what jo said..." it takes less then a min and some iniatives to shoe some concern..."

actually, i really do want to meet you guys out...
no matter which group of frens,,,
i really do...
just hanging outwith you guys..
drinking coffee, chit chatting...
doin crazy stuff.....

but.. i juz seems to have no time nowadays....


can iturn back the hands of time.... to that age of innocence?
where everything...was so simple,...

yes... i do really longed for those days....

Shattered

1 year on,
and she's still not over him
even though she had hidden it in her heart,
and left it in a corner,
just hearing his voice,
brings her feelings and familiarity back
the tears that flowed...
the look on her face...
the confession she made....
....
.....
.....


shattered......
.....
....

...
though i may look ok...
you know...i know...
...its not...the case...

its hard...really hard....
to scale the height....that he had left...
the impression....the mountain....
its daunting....

we may be different... you may say....
he's a guy with these attributes...
and i'm another with a totally different character...
so it's unfair to compare...you said...
...

but sometimes i wonder...
... if what you're really looking for...
..is not a guy like me...
..but a man... like him...

....i will still try....
for how long... i have no idea...
...till my legs drop...
or you say it's enough...


"